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date : 5:19 am - Wednesday,October 18, 2000
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 005: Dream. Dream. Test. Format. Dirty. More...
message:
Attention Crawdaddies!
Welcome to another edition of Pantsmail. Here we go.
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WEIRD DREAM [005.1]
I had this weird dream. And in it was an animal that was a combination deer, moose, and alligator. It scared away everyone, including me, while we were waiting for the bus in the rain.
There was a bunch of other weird stuff too: an abandoned house with a room full of clocks, a carriage being drawn by an enormous dog, a Renaissance Pleasure Faire with people dressed as blue aliens and a car covered in reflective blue tile, a young actor who was way too eager to explain what "keel" meant, the taping of an infomercial which I attended and then inadvertently sabotaged by leaving early.
Seriously, so weird, but great. Even the Renaissance Pleasure Faire--at first we were like, "ugh, oh no, we accidentally stumbled into a this Renaissance thing," but then with the blue aliens and whatnot, it was great.
To ensure such great dreams, from now on, I'm gonna always eat Szechuan broccoli right before bedtime.
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WEIRD DREAM, PART II: THE NEXT NIGHT [005.2]
The next night I had a dream that my dream from the first night was coming true. Not exactly the way it happened the first night, but still was pretty obviously coming true.
So it's like the first dream DID come true--but in a dream.
Also I dreamed that I was watching a documentary about Iggy Pop and the Stooges. It was interesting, but Iggy Pop was the only Stooge who hadn't agreed to being interviewed for the documentary, so there was a pretty crucial piece missing. Also someone else present in the room watching TV wanted to watch some Martha Stewart New England foliage special instead. Annoying. Who lets these annoying people into my dreams?
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SECTION THAT'S WRITTEN AS IF IT WAS PART OF A STANDARDIZED TEST [005.3]
After reading the above passage, please answer the following question based on its content. Choose the best answer.
1. In the above passage, which of the following can be inferred about the author?
a) The author enjoys New England foliage.
b) The author meets lots of annoying people.
c) The author shouldn't write about his dreams.
d) Even when the dreams seem pretty vivid and interesting.
e) Because probably they're not that interesting to anyone else.
g) The author abandoned the standardized test format by answer d.
h) The author forgot letter f).
i) None of the above.
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FORMAT [005.4]
The format of this email list thing is different from pantslog (http://misterpants.com/01) in that the paragraphs of pantsmail are sometimes longer. I was just thinking about that. The pantslog 3-column format forces me to break paragraphs before they become huge daunting chunks of text.
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DIRTY DEEDS DONE DIRTY CHEAP [005.5]
I don't really have anything to say about dirty deeds. But I wanted to use that as a headline.
Oh, except this. If you have any dirty deeds that need doing, then I will be happy to do them, cheaply or at a reasonable rate.
Here's my ad for my dirty deed service. Maybe you saw it already in the paper:
Concrete Shoes! Cyanide! TNT! Done Dirt Cheap!
Neckties! Contracts! High Voltage! Done Dirt Cheap!
Pet Sitting! Recycling! Bussing Tables! Done Dirt Cheap!
Garment Mending! Laser Surgery! Lawn Mowing! Done Dirt Cheap!
Just ring 362-436-HEY.
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ANSWER TO THE STANDARDIZED TEST [005.6]
The correct answer is c. If you answered c, you got 100 points on my standardized test.
I know that many of you are going to want to squabble about this and contest your score, so look here:
a, b, g, and h: True but can't be inferred from the above text.
d and e: Sentence fragments. Come on, now.
i: Simply incorrect.
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TIPPING ADVICE FROM THE YUPPIE WOMAN ALSO WAITING FOR HER TO-GO ORDER [005.7]
My new thing is to ask people for advice on tipping. I'm a little rusty at it from being in Japan, but mostly I'm just curious what people will say. Even total strangers seem happy to oblige. Here's a recent tipping-related quandary.
Q: Do you tip if you're just picking up something to take home?
A: The well-dressed woman I asked quickly said "no!"
Come to think of it though, that was at the place where I got the Szechuan broccoli that gave me such great dreams. I should tip next time no matter what, just for that. I'll slip 'em a couple bucks and say, "Hey baby, keep the dreams coming," and wink. Totally worth it.
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SIGN-OFF [005.8]
Here's where I sign off.
Imagine this. Okay. Ready?
The sun is setting over a field in one of the Great Plains states. You can practically smell hay and maybe even just a trace of cow manure--way off in the distance though, so it's not unpleasant, really. And there I am riding on top of a cart filled with hay bales and I'm being pulled by a big yellow tractor. (Driving the tractor is Farmer Bill, who's sort of half-smiling, but sort of is in his own world, like he always is.) And Farmer Bill is driving away from you, into the field, towards a red barn off in the distance. I'm wearing overalls. And so is Farmer Bill. And I'm waving to you. I'm waving bye-bye.
Bye-bye!
Bye-bye now!
I'm still waving.
See you.
Bye bye.
Getting further away.
Bye.
-mrp
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