pantsmail - 5:00 pm - Saturday,January 10, 2004


date : 5:00 pm - Saturday,January 10, 2004

from : mrp

subject : Pantsmail 026: magnificent return of marred by murder, mayhem

Hello Octothorpes!

It is 2004. And now... the enormous oak doors of, which were bolted shut in 2003 have swung open again. See for yourself:

The candles are lit. Much wine, now aged another year, has been brought up from the cellar to be poured into crystal goblets. The table of our feast has been tiled with golden crackers of graham, each split at the mid-section, with a luxurious bar of chocolate adorning every other. In the center of it all sits a tremendous bowl of marshmallows, each white cylinder of puffed sugar eager to be impaled on sticks and melted above the fire. And we shall enjoy one another's company as we dine together on perfectly-prepared smores.

Okay, I'm done now with that affected voice and will proceed in my regular affected voice.

Basically, my news is this: the site is back to irregularly-scheduled updates.

Many warm thanks to everyone who has been so kind as to graciously welcome me back with an email or a link.

Wait, I couldn't tell--was that last sentence in my own voice or the affected medieval voice?

One never knows.

Okay, now I'm pretty sure "one never knows" was the medieval voice.

Anyway, you may be wondering what was I doing in 2003. Mainly, I was solving murder mysteries. No sooner would I close a case when another dead body would fall at my feet.

It got so ridiculous that I even tried taking a vacation from all of the murders and murder-solving, but then, on the very cruise ship that was to carry me away from these horrible crimes, a series of jewel thefts culminated in a gentleman being stabbed to death in the cabin opposite mine. I solved that murder and nabbed the jewel thieves by faking my own death by drowning and then hiding in my cabin to catch the thieves unaware as they attempted to plunder my own collection of jewels, which I had luckily brought with me.

By the time that cruise ended, I was ready for another vacation!

Then, the day I arrived back at my mansion, the party held to celebrate my voyages took a deadly turn, when one of the guests, Henry, a close friend of mine, was found electrocuted. Under the influence of a powerful hypnotist who had been hired as the evening's entertainment, a mesmerized Henry had attempted to break into my safe. As he was unaware of the electrical booby-trap that my manservant had installed, poor Henry met his shocking demise.

I solved that case by donning a mustache and pretending to be my own twin brother--an even more powerful hypnotist. I bested the mentalist in a series of fixed contests, the stakes escalating with each one, in order to appeal to his competitive nature. As I won the third such event, I taunted him mercilessly and demeaned his skill as a hypnotist until he became so enraged with jealousy that he admitted his fiendish crime.

You should have seen the look on his face when I tore off my mustache to reveal myself!

Then, just as I was handing over the despicable hypnotist to the authorities, a call came from Napa, informing me that the manager of my winery had been found dead--not exactly the circumstances under which I wanted to be paying the Vin du Pants Estate a visit, but I quickly realized, visit I must, because I suspected foul play.

So, as I'm sure you can tell, 2003 was a very busy year.

This year hasn't been quite as busy. (I did discover a stolen collection of priceless stamps that someone had hidden in a hollowed-out croquet ball--but that's it.) And, knock on wood, there hasn't been a single mysterious murder to solve.

But there has been no lack of excitement, let me tell you. For example, I spent a couple days working with the web publishing tool, MoveableType. I fought with it. And that fight got a little bit ugly. Both MoveableType and myself are capable of extreme flexibility and extreme stubbornness. And we just didn't see eye to eye on a few matters--the 3 columns on being MT's main objection. (And the fact that the background colors change in those columns. Don't get me started!) So MT and I--we just rolled up our sleeves, circled each other a couple times and then started wrestling. And we literally fought as hard as each of us was capable for 2 entire days; we were both in it to win, and we wore ourselves out. Then at some point, and I don't think either of us noticed when it happened, but all of a sudden we weren't wrestling anymore--we were making out! And I don't want to say too much here, but MoveableType is a good kisser!

Warm regards and a happy new year,