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date : 2:54 pm - Thursday,October 16, 2003
from : mrp
subject : PANTSMAIL 025: Peanut butter & the apocalypse vs ghost-vampire-mummy
message:
Hello, hello, HELLO!
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INTRO
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Wow, long time no parlez, eh? Eight months of silence, and then right when you're least expecting it... BOOM!!! Here comes Pantsmail flying out of the cannon, bedecked in tight yellow leotards and a matching yellow helmet, waving to you as it flies through the air. Playfully, in mid-air, Pantsmail twirls its handlebar mustache just before executing a glorious swan dive into the safety net.
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ALTERNATE VIOLENT INTRO
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If that Pantsmail intro didn't have enough "edge" for you, if you like your newsletters a little more rough and tumble, then here's an alternate intro available as an Easter egg on the DVD. Check it out:
Hello, hello, HELLO!
Wow, long time no parlez, eh? Eight months of silence, and then right when you're least expecting it... BAM!!! A new Pantsmail smashes through your window and cracks open your cranium.
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EXPLANATION
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For those of you who are new to this mailing list, a little explanation may be in order. Pantsmail isn't just a yellow-leotarded, handlebar-mustachioed human cannonball. Nor is it just a window-smashing, cranium-cracking intruder. Pantsmail is also mouth-watering cotton candy. Cotton candy for your inbox. Cotton candy made by survivalists scuttling about their Idaho bunker. They sell the cotton candy to help defray the cost of constructing a daycare center for their compound. And they're going to need that daycare, because they're breeding super babies.
So thank you for subscribing.
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TABLE OF CONTENTS
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So far we've already seen:
1. INTRO
2. ALTERNATE VIOLENT INTRO
3. EXPLANATION
4. TABLE OF CONTENTS
We're 36% finished already! Here's what's next:
5. PEANUT BUTTER AND THE FUTURE
6. A LITTLE MORE PEANUT BUTTER AND THE FUTURE
7. THE ON-DUTY FLOOR MANAGER AT POST-APOCALYPTIC TARGET
8. LOVING TOUCHES
9. JARED FOGLE
10. GHOST-VAMPIRE-MUMMY
11. MISTERPANTS.COM
Onward.
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PEANUT BUTTER AND THE FUTURE
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I was recently in Target and saw the best thing ever. It was a kid sitting on the tile floor, in the middle of Target, eating peanut butter out of a jar with his hand. And the jar was almost empty.
It felt like foreshadowing--a snapshot of what America will be like after the apocalypse, when humans revert back to their feral state. Not just children--we'll ALL be eating peanut butter with our hands. And not just in Target--everywhere.
So start working out your scooping hand.
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A LITTLE MORE PEANUT BUTTER AND THE FUTURE
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Maybe we'll use one hand to scoop peanut butter as we fend off other savage post-apocalyptic humans with our other hand. While we're making animal noises like, "nyarngh nyar!"
Maybe our scooping hand will evolve into a scoop shape, even--instead of fingers, just a big scoop.
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THE ON-DUTY FLOOR MANAGER AT POST-APOCALYPSE TARGET
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Also, how much would it suck to be the on-duty floor manager working at Target right when the apocalypse happens? Like, let's say you take your job seriously enough that you actually want to prevent looting and mayhem and cannibalism in Target, but everyone else in the whole world wants to plunder Target for clock radios and slacks. You, the on-duty floor manager, are the only person who stands between an efficient, functioning, well-managed Target and complete anarchy.
Not only that, but you are the only person who can convince the cashiers, stockers and warehouse staff to stay at their posts.
And they're all whining, "but the world has ended!" And you have to deliver the stirring pep talk that inspires them to keep working. You have to convince them that this world is worth not giving up on, that it all starts here, at Target, that keeping the washrooms clean and the aisles swept is more important now than ever, now that the world has ended.
"Just do your job, son," is not gonna cut it this time. And promises of a raise won't do any good when the entire world monetary system has collapsed. You think you can offer them a day or two off? As if that's adequate compensation for employees who are fighting gangs of feral 10-year-olds armed with pocket knives, intent on gathering jars of peanut butter and the bodies of dead Target employees.
I'm not saying your real-life job doesn't suck. But please pause for a moment to be thankful that you aren't the on-duty floor manager at post-apocalypse Target.
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LOVING TOUCHES
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I received a spam email from someone named Loving Touches. That is, first name: Loving. Last name: Touches. And how terrific for him or her to have that name. I hope that when Loving Touches isn't sending spam, he or she is busy in the studio recording his or her next big R&B hit.
Here's the surname, Touches, as it appears with different titles:
Dr. Touches
Mrs. Touches
Uncle Touches
Rev. Touches
Mr. Touches
MC Touches
Lil' Touches
Also, I was thinking how much fun it must be for Loving Touches to make a restaurant or hotel reservation. In his or her booming 5-gallon Texas accent, "THAT'S RIGHT--TABLE FOR ONE. ALL BY MY LONESOME. IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME TONIGHT, LOVING TOUCHES."
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JARED FOGLE
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Lately, I spend most of my time thinking about Jared "Subway" Fogle. I've been trying for several years to understand just what it is about him. I have to figure it out on my own, because Jared himself hasn't been able to tell us; the Subway ads don't let him talk much.
Nor is there much info online. Although Subway makes the claim that Jared is a hero to many, the Internet does not support this claim. If he were a real hero, there would be multiple Web-shrines to him and through them we would easily be able to learn more about this mysterious Subway-eating, pound-losing former Indiana University student.
So, here's what I've come up with so far about Jared.
Jared is an embodiment of the "before and after" archetype. The before-Jared had a voracious appetite; all he wanted was to eat and eat (and have sex!), but that unrestrained animal id was put in check by the after-Jared. The thin after-Jared is the result of curbed desires. So now all we see now is the thin, superego after-Jared. No evidence is left of the before-Jared id except for those enormous empty pants. (EMPTY PANTS! What better symbol for the SUBDUED ID--come on, people!)
So, although Jared is outwardly calm, his appearance is not calming to us because he is showing us contained energy.
One might ask, did after-Jared KILL before-Jared? No! And that's what makes after-Jared so intense. Before-Jared is still inside after-Jared, fighting to get out. Whenever we see Jared, we're witnesses to the struggle; id-suppressing superego after-Jared is continuously actively containing the powerful id, before-Jared. It's like if God was a skinny nerd in khaki pants who kept Satan inside himself instead of banishing him to the lake of fire.
After-Jared gives every appearance of being capable of keeping the primal urges of before-Jared at abeyance indefinitely. But here's something to look forward to: surely, on occasion, before-Jared must wrench free of after-Jared's stranglehold to erupt violently to the surface. Binge-eating? Orgies? Screaming? Biting? You bet! There's so much that crazy freak before-Jared is capable of, that I'm not sure what to watch for. But I think we'll know it when we see it.
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GHOST-VAMPIRE-MUMMY
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Ghost-vampire-mummy would be a great Halloween costume because it's spooky times three.
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MISTERPANTS.COM
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Well, I said I was taking 2003 off and that's mostly been true. But then a little while ago, I felt like I needed to use up more bandwidth, so I made an MP3 by Korean musician, Baeho, available. (No one seems to like it as much as I do.) Then, a little later, I posted some pictures of Watts Towers, also to use more bandwidth, but mainly because I visited Watts Towers in person, and then visited Watts Towers via Google, and I felt like there weren't enough pictures of the towers available on the Web.
http://misterpants.com/library/baehomania/
http://misterpants.com/library/wattstowers/
So, you may be curious what is going on with misterpants.com. If you're not curious, that's okay too, but you should probably skip the next two paragraphs because they will bore you. And, to be honest, bringing up the subject of your curiosity was more of a transitional device than an actual assessment of your interest. I'm not capable of making that assessment. It's not that I don't care. It's just that I simply don't know.
Anyway, I may restart that misterpants/01 page. Or I may do something else, like just occasionally post a .pdf file of an appliance manual or a crystal radio schematic.
One thing I'm thinking about doing is keeping a journal about my angel. I don't have an angel yet, but I'm working on getting one. I've been leaving cat food out on my back step overnight because I heard that angels like cat food. When I wake up, usually the cat food is gone. Therefore, an angel has visited. As time goes by the angel will become less timid and more tame until eventually I can trap it in a net or coax it into a cage. Then I will take it to the SPCA and have it spayed. If I can then housebreak the angel, I'll keep it and I'll start my angel journal.
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Thank you for reading Pantsmail. See, Daddy didn't forget aboutcha.
Regards,
-mrp!
P.S. Attention all employees: there is a sign-up sheet in the break room for the free workshop on how to use your newly-evolved scoop-hand. Your fingerless scooping hand is good for a lot more than just moving peanut butter out of the jar and into your mouth hole! The workshop will include valuable training exercises:
-sweeping with the scoop
-using your scoop hand to fight off zombies and ghost-vampire-mummies
-scoop grooming tips
See you there!
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