pantsmail - 7:41 pm - Tuesday,December 18, 2001


date : 7:41 pm - Tuesday,December 18, 2001

from : mrp

subject : PANTSMAIL 017: TV, bats, etc...

Hi Everyone,

Hey do you know Old Charlie Whittaker who does the Pantsmail Table of Contents? We all love Old Charlie and the stories he tells about growing up in the railroad yard. And we all appreciate the way he painstakingly places each individual letter of the Table of Contents in just the right place. Others might just slap the letters down willy-nilly, but not old Charlie. He puts them exactly where they belong. He checks them. And then he double-checks them. And he even triple-checks them. That's Old Charlie for you! Just six short months from retirement and still loving every minute of his job. Charlie, you're fired, but this issue of Pantsmail is dedicated to you.

Welcome to the first official recession issue of Pantsmail. Times are tough. In keeping with the tough times, this issue will be brimming with patriotism and lay-offs. We've had to let a lot of our staff go, but remaining staff members all have American flags on their desks and they're hiding behind them as if Old Glory might protect them from the ax. As if!

This issue will also feature the curtailment of some civil liberties. We might question you and not allow you to seek legal counsel. Then we might also try you in a secret military court. Sorry, but that's how it goes. If you don't like it, you can complain. But if you complain, your name might go on our list. If we have a list. Which we don't. We wouldn't. You can trust us on that. However, if you don' trust us, you can't look at our records on the matter because those are secret. And don't ask why they're secret or your name might go on our list.

There will be no Table of Contents for this issue.



How about some Columbo?

I watched the worst episode of Columbo a few nights ago. Completely joyless and devoid of whatever pleasure one normally derives from an episode of Columbo. It was as if the writer hated the show and took it out on the episode by writing not one single scene with Columbo doing his great Columbo thing where he plays dumb to the cocky, over-confident murderer. No "excuse me, but do you happen to have a pen I could borrow because I seem to have misplaced mine." No "just one more question--this just occurred to me." No "I just need to tie up a few loose ends." None of that. Also Columbo was given an assistant who had to tag along the whole show, but then didn't do anything; the assistant only had 2 lines total. So weird.



Remember last Pantsmail when I asked you about what Abraham Lincoln would want to tell us and how I said it was for a project? Well, you may be pleased to learn that I wasn't lying or anything. It was for a real project that is completed and has even "launched" as they used to say in the Web publishing business.

Here it is:

It's a thingie on Alt-X, the alternative literary and digitalerary web magazine.

Thanks again to everyone who contributed to it, whether the contribution was able to be used or not. It was fun for me to read everyone's responses. And thanks also to those who just thought about the question, even if they didn't answer it.


+ + + + advertisement + + + +

Hey! Are you tired of the 20x20x20x20x20 plan? You know, you work 20 hours a day for 20 years for 20 pastry chefs each threatening to throw 20 pies at you, pies made from 20 peeled apples each!

Well, I've found a way out of it! And you can too!!!

Do you like flying? Do you enjoy being upside down? Would you like to navigate by SONAR?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then you're ready to escape the daily grind and start an exciting job as a bat!!!

Set your own hours! Be your own boss! Fly around with your hairy bat wings--fly wherever you please!!

"I've been working happily as a bat for a few years now. I love it. I've turned a hobby into a serious career."
- Sheila Meeks, Melville, NY

"As a bat, I have collected more bugs in two days than I had in the previous two weeks!!!!!"
- James K. Travis, Chicago, IL

"When I lost my job writing Tables of Contents, I thought my entire world was collapsing in on me. I spent months locked in my apartment, drawing stick figure demons and burning things. But then a friend told me about the great night flying he was doing in his job as a bat. I figured, why not try it? What have I got to lose? I mean, I'd already lost everything I ever cared about. So I started working as a bat and I love it! Getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to me--because getting fired gave me the courage to go out and get a new job... as a bat!!!!"
- Old Charlie Whittaker, Los Angeles, CA

With the impending economic collapse, there has never been a better time to become a professional bat!

Jumpstart your future! Get a great job as a bat today! Get flapping!

For more information, check out bat career books at your local library or visit Bat Job World Online!



Another piece of great television I saw recently: an episode of the A-Team where a group of old people in a retirement home attacks Mr. T. They're circling around him. They're chasing him. They're hitting him with their canes. That's what's sometimes brilliant about the A-Team. The show gives you exactly what you want to see: explosions, contraptions, clever plans, car chases, and octogenarians beating up a professional wrestler.



I've been watching the hard-hitting local news here. And I have some highlights for you:

1. Someone taught an entire pet store full of birds to swear. The birds will have to be taken to a facility where they will be untaught to swear. The reporter was visibly shaken up by this heinous crime.

2. Neighbors of a self-described "swinger" in Van Nuys have complained about his twice-weekly orgies. They interviewed one neighbor who made it clear that she's not against orgies, in other neighborhoods. Police: "orgies are legal, but charging for them is not; you need a license for that, Mr. Swinger."

3. Since moving here, I've seen a plethora of news reports on this theme: plastic surgery isn't even a big deal at all! Did you know? Everyone does it. And it's not a luxury. It's something you have to do to take care of yourself. Get with it. Augment your buttocks! Or breasts. Or face. Come on!

4. Wives of US soldiers send them sexy photos of themselves.

5. Sony robot dog: pet of the future? No, asinine waste of money crap. (That answer's from me--not TV news.)

6. "Prostitute Turf War" Exclusive video footage of prostitutes fighting. I swear.

7. Also, this, from the LA Times:
KTLA anchor Sharon Tay donned costumes from Charmed and then apparently crawled across her newsdesk. That's exactly the sort of wartime reporting that made life so difficult for young George Orwell.



As a special bonus to Pantsmail readers, here's this. I didn't know what else to do with it, so it's a special bonus:

It was one of those dumb Internet things. I changed it a little, made it dumber.

What's even dumber than one of those dumb Internet things?
The Panstmail Bonus, that's what.



You'd think I'd have interesting stuff to say about Seoul, instead of all this crap about crap TV. But I can't find my little notebook that I was constantly scribbling in while I was there. I'm sure it's around. A cursory look around the apartment didn't unearth it. Maybe I'll give it another half-assed attempt. If you find it first, let me know.



Cutting edge footwear brand seeks an extremely talented senior level bat to fly around and create mayhem and/or guano. Hairy bat wings are a big plus.

Pointless email newsletter seeks motivated self-starting individual to implement Table of Contents. Position requires highest level United States Department of Defense security clearance. No benefits. This is an unpaid internship.

Must be able to implement concepts generated by our team of bats, using state-of-the-art publishing tools such as Kimchi, Bibimbap, Bulgogi, Bulgogi Plus, and Office Bulgogi. Special consideration will be given to bats.

Haunted house currently seeking experienced scary bat for terrifying neighborhood kids, vagrants and busybodies. Responsibilities include screeching and swooping. Non-bats are encouraged to apply, but must demonstrate exceptional bug-eating and SONAR skills.


That is all.


Mister Pants
Team Leader,
Project W.I.G.