02.14.02 Compound Eye
audio and visual data from a remote outpost in the third quadrant, on the edge of the galactic frontier.

Go here to begin MP3 multiphasic download of scripted audiophonic transmissions of an awesome science fiction radio drama. hyperspace device data... oct.... ronic.... scenario.... ERROR. ERROR.

And please activate your computerized mouse device on this encoded electronic image to begin receiving streaming audio transmissions in tripped-out collage format from space lieutenants Shirley and Spinoza--a broadcast originally beamed into the Free Radio Berkeley sub-ether frequency pirate radio broadcasting band.

excellent log book as well.

(i have a feeling no one's gonna click any one of those links because my write up is so confusing and annoying. it's good stuff. please click.)

end transmission. beep.

[Thank you, Space Captain José.]

- - - - - - -

Kikkoman vs Keiko Ramen or something like that
Cosplay at it's best and most nerdy. Not just people dressed up as manga characters, but people dressed up in well-done costumes of an overly-thought-out pun based on the name of a manga character that probably only bigtime manga geeks even know.

[Thanks, Fishstick.]

- - - - - - -

A Chronological History of English Glam Rock (baby)
"go through the years you'll end up with a pretty good impression of what happened when, why & how.. and the good news? you *still* won`t like Elton John."
This woman ahead of me in line at Petco was talking about being a foot model. She was wearing Tevas. I would think if you're a foot model, that you wouldn't expose your feet, your precious money-makers, to the elements, like that. Protect them tootsies!

Also--and I'm sorry if it's kind of grody to mention this (I'm making serious efforts to be less grody) --she had some like bug bite type scars on her feet.

No one wants a foot model with scarred feet. Sorry, but that's showbiz.

Unless she's making internet foot fetish videos, like that one episode of King of the Hill.

Anyway, I mostly hope she was just lying to the guy. If so, good one, ma'am, lying about foot modeling like that. Nice.
the store
There's a flower store on Melrose that's the store. So it's a physical store named after the online store named after a catalog named after a 1-800 number.

i love that.

but i want them to get even more abstract with it. like if it could be named after the explanation of the memory of the experience of the website of the catalog of the phone number.
02.13.02 bowel buddy bran wafers
"2 Delicious Wafers Provide 22.65 grams of Insoluble Fibre."

Someone better tell Abundance Marketing Inc. that no one wants to put something in their mouth called "bowel buddy." Regardless of how much they're suffering from "irregularity," no one wants to go near the stuff.

Also, this is the tagline for Abundance™:

"The Architect of a New Dimension in NUTRITION"

Just try and wrap your head around that. The company, Abundance, is an architect, but not an architect that builds buildings--rather, an architect building a new dimension. And not a new dimension in space, but a new dimension in nutrition.


[Thanks Nathan.]

02.11.02 huge page of german movie posters
Two great obsessions that go great together
This was just on the Family Feud:

"We surveyed a hundred people; the top 6 answers are on the board.

If Abe Lincoln were alive today, name something he might do to make himself more attractive to the ladies."

The answers:

"1 shave his beard 56
2 dress better 8
3 get cool haircut 8
4 lose the hat 7
5 have mole removed 5
6 bulk up 5"

02.10.02 The Doctor soda collection
favorites: [Thanks, Scout.]

- - - - - - -

Labels TV
This French site has some excellent music videos--beautiful, fascinating art films developed around really great songs.

They're all in 250 kbps realplayer format, but these are worth the trauma of having realplayer take over your machine and generally bully you. [Thanks, Pete, Esquire.]

- - - - - - -

Donny and Marie star wars episode
info about the Donny and Marie singing and dancing star wars spoof from 1977. (i linked to a site about this ages ago, but it didn't have the transcript, which is amazing.)

some of the best parts of the script:
  • "Leia (dancing towards Artoo) 'His transistors are in trouble and his chips are weak.'"

  • stage directions: "Behind him march Stormtrooper babes"

  • "Stormtroopers(singing) 'We're Darth Vader's raiders and we can't believe the things that you do. We never met a troupe that play hide and seek the way that you do. But Fe Fi Foe Fum, look out people cause here we come....'"
- - - - - - -

sad, insane, but also kind of funny time travel spam
"I know time travel is possible and the technology exist out there because when I was 16 I had a 6 hour missing time experience back to the past when there were UFOs in the sky, It went from morning to back to midnight at a quick flash of light which sounded like a camera click. I'm sure you aliens know exactly as to the experience I am talking about."

and if you follow the thread you can read a debate about whether or not it's ethical to mess with insane people. the debate is really more like a mean-spirited person's guide to justifications. they almost all agree that it's at least ethical if not a responsibility.

[Thanks, Steev.]

- - - - - - -

Nancy McKeon on tv
here, for your convenience, are all of former Facts of Life star, Nancy McKeon's tv appearances for the next month.

Pretty much all of it is Lifetime. It's like Nancy McKeon month on Lifetime.

[thanks, Nictate.]
crazy mail carrier
i've mentioned before about how the woman who delivers my mail is nuts.

well, she did this thing that was really great the other day. she handed me a package--and when i say "handed" what i really mean is that she did this: while she's putting the (wrong) mail in my mailbox, she says without looking at me, "that's yours," refering to the package in her bag. so, i take the package.

then she says something like, "well that's a load off." and continues to complain about what a pain it was to lug my package around.

maybe she didn't realize when she became a mail carrier that the job requires her to sometimes deliver packages. next time i see her, i should probably recommend some career counseling and also some general psychological counseling.

"oh, hey, maybe you should change jobs because you don't like doing this one and also you suck at it. and also you're crazy. and you're a blight on this neighborhood. and you smell like sausage. why is that? why would anyone always smell like sausage every single day? it makes our mail smell like sausage. then that smell gets in our house, and makes our whole house smell like sausage."

(the sausage part isn't true. i was just riffing.)

scads of entertaining stuff--and not entertaining in a stupid way like some cruddy flash movie that makes you wish that people would stop making those cruddy flash movies, but genuinely extremely entertaining.

i'm gonna walk through my favorite parts of the site, which that's most of the site. seems like a dumb thing to do, since you can just go there and find it all yourself, but i'm afraid that you'd miss something. (i'm honestly afraid. i'm frightened.)

let's start with a 15-minute audio clip that teaches you to throw your voice , southern style (~15Mb). at the very least, listen until the guy does his first grunt noise.

next, the celebrities of real estate. you should look at all of these. i could make a bulleted list of the best ones, but i would include every single one, so just go ahead and look.

okay, now let's step into Sharpeworld's Hal Morris museum. Check out the entire museum. it's all good. if you're short on time, some of my favorites include: next up: you'll be pleased to meet your new lover.

and finally, the before and after archive.

so that's sharpeworld.

- - - - - - -

Heroes and villains
vote on heroes and villains. comment on heroes and villains. upload your own heroes and villains. etcetera.

(from the creeps at creep headquarters, that brought you redsmoke and milkmilklemonade.)

Dear Louie Anderson,
I think I've decided to stop hating you. I don't know why I ever really bothered to begin with. Because you hate yourself more than I could ever even hope to.

Wait. Wait. I'm sorry. That was mean. I started off trying to say something nice and then I took that cheap shot. I just couldn't resist that obvious joke about your equally obvious self-loathing. So, I'm sorry--sorry that it wasn't a better joke.

No, no, wait. Wait. I did it again. What I meant to do was apologize for saying mean things about you. Then I made a mockery of that apology, when what I really should have said was, "come here and hug me, big guy."

There, there.

P.S. Why isn't anyone bidding on your autographed photo? I don't get it.
01.31.02 ESPN2 Winter X Games promo from 1999
Two of the seven ESPN2 X Games promos inspired by Japanese TV. i love these. Here's the second one. Both are quicktime, ~3.5Mb.

01.30.02 Jeff McDonald's Art House
Jeff should have his own TV show, so we could enjoy these amazing videos in the comfort of our own living rooms, instead of hunched over our keyboards like goons, staring into our cruel monitors.

Not every clip is a winner. And not every clip is conventional-workplace-friendy. The six I most enjoyed are as follows: While you're looking at videos, take a sneak peak at the next Redd Kross movie, working title: Bitchin' Ass.

Bitchin' Ass would also be a great codename for a military operation. Desert Shield, Desert Storm, Infinite Justice, Enduring Freedom, Bitchin' Ass.

By the way, Jeff McDonald's Art House is part of Redd Kross's

[thanks, Andrew.]

- - - - - - -

lo-fi mp3s of tons of weird songs
all harvested from WFMU's incorrect music show. some are good. some are bad. some are good-bad. some are bad-good. several are bad-bad. but none are good-good.

[again, thanks Andrew.]

- - - - - - -

Paul Lynde quotes from The Hollywood Squares
"Paul Lynde didn't just say dirty things on The Hollywood Squares, he said kinky things. And bitchy things."

it's a long list of funny quotes. you may as well blow off work for the better part of an hour and read them all.

[via somewhere. i forget. sorry.]

- - - - - - -

haxxoring the news
this one made the rounds once already. but there are a few new ones up there.

Mostly i want to draw attention to this video of pedestrians being harrassed by the voices of Fat Albert and Rudy. weird and funny.

- - - - - - -

nekonoko 2002 calendar
again in 2002, nekonoko wins the award for best artist in the "cat-baby illustrations" category.

there's more good nekonoko here.

- - - - - - -

The Triangle Poster and Printing Company
"Since 1905, Triangle Poster and Printing Company has been the leader in advertising posters for the carnival and fair industry."

Their posters are amazing. So nice.

#524: As your rollercoaster blasts into space, don't let the giant clown poke your head off. (That phrase is also a traditional Irish toast.)

#596: Big tractor, shooting flames.

#S-52: Someone get that clown off the racetrack before there's a horrible accident.

[Thanks, John]

01.29.02 traffic signs of the world

- - - - - - -

"Next Stop, Nowhere:" the punk episode of Quincy, M.E.
i had this on videotape, and i was watching it this weekend. and then the tape broke. oh well.

here are some choice video clips as well as an interview with Jack Klugman and an article called, "I was a teenage punk rock extra."

[via cardhouse? or boing-boing? a long time ago. i don't remember.]
KCAL 9 news" this evening
"Coming up, you'll meet a dog that'll put yours to shame."

This is said over footage of a beagle walking on its front paws.

Funny-walking dog beats analysis of the state of the union.

01.28.02 fuzzbox fuzzy foto gallery
late 80s all-girl fuzz guitar pop-punk band. check em out mostly for the colorful photos at the bottom. kind of like cyndi lauper times 4.

- - - - - - -

Louie Anderson on punk rockers (33k mp3)
from a promo for Louie Anderson on the Showtime comedy spotlight, circa 1985. The comedy spotlight appearance isn't even listed in Louie Anderson's imdb entry because nobody loves him.

01.27.02 interesting article about wolfman jack's voice
"This time around I am going to be professorial. Maybe because I consider myself a professor in 'Wolfmanology.' ...I now offer the most in-depth, analytical and prosaic piece you will ever read about Wolfman Jack..."

also:, mp3s of wolfman jack doing his thing.

- - - - - - -

Richard Simmons' dolls at Collecteriffic
The reminder angel dolls are especially ghastly.

Here's a video clip with 3 different types of crazy in it: Richard Simmons acting all crazy in front of his crazy old man angel dolls while talking to his crazy fans.

p.s. don't forget to hug your cat.

- - - - - - -

Richard Simmons' 2001 cruise to lose photo album
Here's one of several photos of Richard Simmons in a glittery muscle T and his trademark short shorts.

And here's Richard hawking those same damn dolls during the pajama party.

- - - - - - -

animotion's obsession video
1984. so very 1984. it's only the first minute or so of the song, but that's all you need.

honey bee
mister pants is the honey bee, gathering honey for you. you, in turn, are the drone, delivering that honey to the hive.
01.26.02 Macros2000 #7
i almost never encourage you to buy things. that's why it's such a hoot that i'm suggesting that you purchase macros2000 #7. it's only a dollar for well over a dollar's worth of funny.

Macros2000 is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Cardhouse Loader Forks and Grapples, Co., Ltd.. Here are some links harvested from the macros2000 website:

01.25.02 hey look, it's abraham lincoln's hands
from the Smithsonian.

"Lincoln's right hand was still swollen from shaking hands with congratulating supporters. To steady his hand, he held a piece of a broom handle, which is preserved in the artist's cast."

Here they are again--same hands, bigger
neighbor status report
the neighbor who plays the bongos: only playing on weekends

the neighbor with the karaoke machine: performing thrice weekly

the neighbor who howls at her children: moved!

01.24.02 more mascots/team names
it's a good thing that middle schoolers aren't prone to making fun of other middle schoolers, because otherwise, the cornjerkers might get teased a little bit.

others: Go Kewps!

One more, no link: the Cairo Syrupmakers.

[Thank you, Modbuster.]

- - - - - - -

spakeler. dsprakleer sprakler (what's my problem? why can't i type today? fingers done got fat overnight!) sparkler diary
today's entry is about panties, and is funny. go read it.

another entry includes the phrase, Dennis Franz and friends, which i totally love that idea.

Dear ABC, how about a weekly 1970s-style singing and yuks variety hour, hosted by Dennis Franz? By acting all crotchety and fussy like he does on NYPD Blue, Franz could be the perfect straight man to his comedian guests. (Like Tim Conway, Chevy Chase, Paul Rodriguez, or maybe Jenna Elfman.)

And Franz could play the stoop to their antics until he gets fed up with them, at which point he'll grab them by the collar and rough them up. Then, after his police brutality has incapacitated the guest, Franz will take a deep breath and say, "you have the right to remain silent."

That can be his catchphrase. And the audience will go nuts every time he says it.

Then, to the audience, "Well, now that THAT scumbag is out of commission for little while, I should probably introduce tonight's musical guest."

OH! You know what comedian I want to see Dennis Franz beat the crap out of? Steve Martin? Yes. Robin Williams? Yes. Bill Cosby? Yes. Drew Carey? Yes, of course, him also. But mostly, Louie Anderson. Oh man.

Until next week, I'm Dennis Franz and you have the right to remain silent. Goodnight, everybody.

01.23.02 metascene's january 17 entry
This cracked me up when I read it a few days ago. I just re-read it and it cracked me up again, and in doing so passed the mister pants double-crack-up muster, so here it is.

Mind you, there's a bit of coarse language, so those among you who are unaccustomed to such salty writing and find it objectionable may want to sit this one out; you delicate flowers should just go straight to Xanadu, the comic, instead. Or the Kim Gordon Sonic Youth 1987 tour diary, which is also a pleasant romp.

I omitted some kind of crack about the infrequency of metascene updates--something about the seasonal nature of them. Because, who am I to cast such stones? Also, with websites, frequent updating does not make you cooler--quite the opposite. Oh yes.

And, truth be told, I didn't "omit" anything at all. I never wrote it. I thought that it would make me seem nice to pretend that I took out something mean, while still providing me the opportunity to say the mean thing.

Then I thought that it would make me seem honest to admit the whole charade.

- - - - - - -

Abraham Lincoln, King of the Cage
A painting featuring big beautiful brawling blue barechested Lincoln, king of the cage (which can be purchased in mouse pad format). Truculent! Homo-erotic! It's Lincoln as you've never seen him before.

There's also painting of L. Ron Hubbard on the couch eating Funyuns and pizza.

Oh yeah, and Bea Arthur wrestling dinosaurs. As a noteworthy bonus, the file name for this is killingmachine.html.

Some people go their whole lives without ever seeing Beatrice Arthur wrestle dinosaurs or L. Ron Hubbard in his boxer shorts. Today you get to see both.

Also, a few of B-Bird's oddities are kind of funny as well. (One includes a Lincoln superhero in the background.)

[Thank you, Andy.]

- - - - - - -

brunching shuttlecocks rate Canadian snacks
If the United States had nationalized health care, we could have snacks like these, too.

[Merci, Madamoiselle Jane.]

- - - - - - -

The Official PISTOL PETE Homepage
"Most people have heard of Pistol Pete, but many are unaware just what that is.... Well, Pistol Pete is two things. First and foremost, he was a man, Frank Eaton, who led a colorful life in the old west. Second..., Pistol Pete is mascot for Oklahoma State University."

Is it just me, or are mascots really freaky? Don't get me wrong. I love mascots. But I probably only love them because they're so damn freaky. And here's another Pistol Pete photo archive that's even better:
- - - - - - -

pistol pete statue
lovely as hell.

(bonus link: young child looking a bit infirm, eagle statue, flag, neil diamond MIDI as a tribute to the good ol' USA.)

- - - - - - -

another Pistol Pete picture from out there
PP doing construction.

- - - - - - -

one more
sheriff's a-nearin'

- - - - - - -

cult figure of the year for 2001: Abe Lincoln
"He is, in effect, the 'super president...'"


Mail artists give Lincoln the mail art collage treatment. There's a lot of good stuff here. I've narrowed it down to a dozen or so of my favorites, which I realize doesn't sound very narrow, but like I said it's a pretty good collection.

(Also, for the record, this time, I wasn't even looking for Lincoln stuff. I was looking for Pistol Pete. I swear.)
- - - - - - -

Starring Hot Soup and Runaway Pancake.

- - - - - - -

lifesize Lincoln
oh yeah, speaking of Lincoln, here's a lifesize Lincoln mermaid cutout. For people who are into the whole Lincoln-mermaid thing.

[Thanks, Kafkaesque. Kafkaesque, your name is an adjective.]

- - - - - - -

Vote-Tron and Elec-tra
When the Justice League does their annual recruitment drive, I'll bet the letters to Vote-Tron and Elec-tra get lost in the mail.

Also, I could be wrong, but I think the top Vote-Tron is a different person than the bottom Vote-Tron.

- - - - - - -

crazy crab
A failed San Francisco Giants mascot from 1984.

- - - - - - -

Fuzzy Goodwill Ambassadors

01.20.02 fake McDonald's in Siem Reap, Cambodia
And for those of you with some spare bandwidth lying around, here are lots more huge Cambodia pictures all on one page--from Ernie's vacation.

- - - - - - -

Sounds of Science
Edutainment has never been more edutaining. The Singing Science record series of the 1950s and '60s introduced children to the difference between longitude and latitude, and gave them a "Thumbnail Sketch Of Atomic Energy."

You can download MP3s of all the songs in the series. Elsewhere, you can hear a few of the songs in realaudio format. why would you do that, though, when there are MP3s of every single one of them right here?

- - - - - - -

joe walsh starpad mousepad
boy, these Joe Walsh mousepads sure are a good product idea.

i want to buy 100 or so of these and make a suit out of them. then when you see a guy in a fancy suit fashioned out of 100 Joe Walsh celebrity mousepads, you'll know for certain that it's me, because i'm almost completely positive that i'll be the only one in THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD with a suit made entirely out of Joe Walsh mousepads.

maybe i'll go to a meeting in my Joe Walsh mousepad suit. And afterwards other people will be trying to remember who was at the meeting. And my name will come up. And someone will say, "wait, which one was he?" And the answer will be: "He was the guy wearing the Joe Walsh mousepad suit, remember?" And they'll say, "Ummmm, oh yeah, I think so. Yeah, that guy. I think I remember that guy."