10.04.00 tanks and bubblegum notifylist
"On occasion, I will encounter a story that has to do with a tank, or a story that has to do with bubblegum.* If either of these things occur, this is the list where I will distribute those stories."

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rare kitty goods
rare hello kitty products. i know we're all pretty kitty savvy by now, but there are a couple of products here that i'd never seen before--specifically, the Hello Kitty Visa and MasterCard.

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muffin clipart
from Dan's kitchen.

[Thanks, Scout!]

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dancing steve gif

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Debate score
i like that abc did this and did it so quickly.

The tally:

Bush lies: 3
Gore lies: 2

I'm counting half-truths as lies. Each candidate had one half-truth.

voters: 0

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wav file of shaggy fred swearing
shaggy fred, of scooby doo fame.

are there other famous shaggys? oh yeah, there was the rap-raggamuffin Shaggy from like 8 years ago who had a minor hit with "Oh Carolina."

is this fake? or what? i have no context.

[oh, turns out it's from Family Guy and also it's Fred, not Shaggy. okay! still, sounds totally dead-on like fred.]

[Thanks Tricia.]

cellular phone service offer dream
You get 200 anytime minutes, a cell phone, and a half-pound of clay. After 30 days, if you're not satisfied with the service, you can return the phone and cancel the service. But, you get to keep the clay!
10.02.00 pantsmail
lookee here, has launched. And the deal with it is that you can go there and sign up for your own one-way email mailing list. I've set one up already, called pantsmail. And although I have nothing pressing to say, (obviously--I mean, you really should have figured that out by now) I'm still way excited about it.

some things about NotifyList: it's by Andrew, the same guy who gave the world pitas and diaryland, so you know you can expect the same reliable service and Canadian quality that you get from those other 2 sites.

Anyway, if you want, sign up for pantsmail. I have no idea what the email i send will be like.

oh, while you're nosing around NotifyList, you'll probably also want to sign up for the tremble 2000 list, which nothing has yet been sent to, but it's for tremble, so it's a pretty safe bet.

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Bay City Bomber TV
realplayer video of roller derby action.

also, bay city bomber rollerderby snapshots.

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i wish i'd thought to get this as my domain name.

here's her photo album.

also, The Red Hot Skating Grandma Minesweeper page because maybe you're learning about the Red Hot Skating Grandma and suddenly you get a hankering to play some Minesweeper.

also includes a section about Farrell's Air Duct Cleaning Service.

Red Hot Skating Grandma has it all.

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Nad's Hair Removing Gel
i keep seeing this ad on TV, and these people are brilliant.

they had the strength of character to name their product "Nad's."

and they knew that what we want to see in a commercial for a hair removal product is tons of hair getting ripped off of all sorts of different places on the body. others might have thought it should be left un-shown, but Nad's knew better.

anyway, check out all the great hair yanking animated GIFs on this page.


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The Jingle Bell Western Gaucho Hat
"What an Impression You'll Make! WOW!"

09.29.00 scout's diary, 9/26/2000 entry
in which you have to guess which items are dreams and which are not. The one with George Washington is also featured on this here misterpants page, 2 columns to the right.

Scout has a diary. i never knew.

this diary page is also good. especially read from about paragraph five at least until the line "My Aunt J has got diarhea from being cursed...."
everyone (including me) complains constantly about how it's ruining san francisco.

an example: i was on Kearny Street today, and i noticed that a perfently decent (perfectly indecent?) pornography store, that used be called "XXX Adult Videos," is now calling itself, "Adult Media."
a joke
[guest column by Scout. i don't usually do guest columns but i liked this joke. take it away, Scout.]

My recent submission to the joke contest held by

A young boy of today finds himself traveling back in time to the white house, where he is talking to George Washington: "Come on, George, make that face like you made on the dollar bill."

George Washington doesn't know what he means, because the $1.00 bill was not minted with his face on it for several decades after his term in office.

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another joke
this joke is by me (not Scout). and the idea is that it would really be a New Yorker cartoon. also, this joke is several months past its expiration date, but i hope you'll forgive me and take into account the fact that I missed the whole Survivor thing because I was overseas.

Remember, it's for a New Yorker cartoon, which sometimes they're funny and sometimes they're not. This one's not terribly funny.

Okay, the joke:

Scene: the Garden of Eden. Adam, Eve, and the Serpent are there. The Serpent and Eve are facing Adam, and Eve is saying:

"We voted you out of the Garden."
09.27.00 Corazon de Cristal
i love this so much. It's a pop-norteño Spanish-language cover of Blondie's "Heart of Glass" performed by the Mexican band, Priscila y sus Balas de Platas (Priscila and her Silver Bullets).

According to her bio, Priscila and her band are breaking musical ground in 2 ways:
  1. " the first popular norteño group to feature a female accordion player..."
  2. " filling their band with hunky late-adolescent musicians, chipping away at the notion of those groups being led by heavyset middle-aged men...."
I put the mp3 loose in my idrive, so you can just march right on in there and grab it. The file name is: Priscila-Corazon De Cristal.mp3.

If idrive gives you any trouble (which for me, it works fine in IE but tells netscape that it's down for repairs), then maybe you can just Napster (or Macster) it. Try a search for "Priscila" and "Corazon de Cristal."

I hunted it down after hearing it on a Spanish radio station. It took a lot of research and asking to locate it. (Muchas gracias, Ritmo Latino.) The Internet was no help whatsoever, by the way. (Gracias por nada, Internet.)

here's the official Priscila site as well as an english language fan site.
atlas cafe
they don't give me attitude. however, i get the feeling that they would like to give me attitude but just don't want to exert the energy.

it's never exactly actively unpleasant service. but never exactly pleasant either. there should be a word for that kind of service. i guess there is: perfunctory. but there should maybe be another word more specific to the Atlas Cafe.

oh, did i just spend two paragraphs whining about the service of some coffeeshop that no one cares about? it could only be worse if i got all aware of how petty and annoying that is and started criticizing the entry itself or did one of those "notes to self" or something. best to stop here.

note to self: remember to delete all this crap before posting it online.

09.25.00 Milko
Wow! This is so bizarre and fun. It's a Finnish site promoting milk (I guess), where you can compose a song and construct the accompanying music video, all of which is performed by a singing cow. I had to install the latest plug-in and wait a long time to download the "Milko Musik Maskin," but it was completely worth it.

Comes in three flavors: Hårdrock, hip-hop, and disco.

[Gracias, Miles.]

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the guy vs the little guy (a puppet)
220k Quicktime movie wherein the little guy takes on the guy--a simple but effective demonstration of why puppets are creepy.

[thanks, scout.]

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Young Adult Seeks Relief in Adult Diapers, aka The Great Depends Party of '99
as you might have guessed from the title, this story is way nasty. also completely insane. Aside from that, the less said here, the better, really.

oh, the same insane freak genius author is also behind this story, which contains nudity, a cape, aviator goggles, and a fake moustache.

oh ha, this one's pretty good too (and not nasty):

"When asked to produce his ID, he stated: 'It go like that, but I don't go like that, Swear to Christ' (we have absolutely no idea what this means)."

For that last one, you can skip the first 4 paragraphs.

so the site where these are from is, which you'd think from the name would be kind of lame in a drunken frat-boy kind of way, and much of it is, but some, like the above, is super entertaining in spite of that. and thankfully short. (attention aspiring writers: when your story involves adults in diapers, your readers will thank you for your brevity.)

new breakfast invention
i want to start taking credit for this as my new breakfast invention, but i don't have the time or money to search existing patents to see if it's already been invented. Plus everyone to whom i explain it makes a face and then tells me that i'm lame and/or that i was in japan too long.

  1. make scrambled eggs.
  2. while you're doing that, in the frying pan, mix an equal amount of leftover potato salad in with the eggs.
  3. eat it. yum!
alternately, follow steps 1 and 2 above, then...
  1. add salsa.
  2. add cheese.
  3. eat. mmm-good.
09.21.00 Sorrels Pickard
Perhaps you know the pop-country stylings of Sorrels Pickard from albums such as Ringo Starr's Beaucoups of Blues; or maybe you're more familiar with his work as an actor in films such as, Running Hot, Hardbodies, and Hardbodies 2. But the Sorrels Pickard I like best is the man whose face adorns jars of Sorrels Pickard's Gourmet Peanut Butter.

oh! oh! you absolutely must download the Sorrells Pickard's Gourmet Peanut Butter radio spots. i recommend the 60 second spot.

"Put some chocolate to it.
Put it in your mouth and chew it.
Hot dang almighty now we're having fun."

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kind of funny. a weblog apparently written by several pokémon.

"Puff jigglypuff jig jiggly jiggly puff puff. Jiggly jigglypuff jigglypuff, jiggly jigglypuff jigglypuff?"

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"If you believe you may have had a child by Screamin' Jay Hawkins, or if you believe you are a child of Screamin' Jay Hawkins please click on "submission" before October 15, 2000, the deadline for inclusion in the Gathering."

apparently, Screamin' Jay Hawkins had over 75 kids. funny, weird, creepy, and sad all at the same time. kind of like Hawkins himself, I guess.

here's an article on the woman behind the site, who's plenty sick of reading prank entries.

[via Obscure Store.]

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when was the last time you were at a good I Hate You? Our culture simply doesn't have enough fun venues to celebrate hate.

anyway, the website describes her as "a class act," so you can be certain that this stripping bag lady burlesque puppet show is done tastefully.

[thanks, Sam.]

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pac man info
interesting pac man page. shows lots of the circuit boards and whatnot from the stand up game, plus pac-man hacks.

it's one of those really long pages with tons of images and a gray background. don't let that trick you into thinking that it's not cool though. because it's cool. oh, it's cool.

has stuff like this:

"All Ms Pac Man printed circuit boards are actually Pac Man circuit boards that have had a[n] auxiliary board plugged into the original location of the Z80 CPU and the 2 character chips at 5E, 5F changed to Ms Pac chips."

09.20.00 mighty assembly
super crazy good flash site. it's optimized for DSL, so if you're slower than that, you'll have to wait a bit, but i'd say it's worth it. also, it's in "soft launch" state, so a few pieces aren't there yet--but even without those bits, you will be delighted. i personally guarrantee it.

"soft launch" makes me think of "soft lunch" which makes me think of "chicken soft tacos" which makes me think of "soft chickens."

[per, which/who also did's music and flash design.]
best sf graffiti
this is my favorite graffiti that i've seen in san francisco since i've been back. it's on 21st Street, around Florida or Alabama (I forget which). It's written in cursive, but the style of cursive of someone who doesn't write in cursive so much--like 5th-grader cursive. it says:

donut hen 2000

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a haiku i wrote about the big tough-looking guy in safeway.

tough guy in safeway
stalks the yogurt aisle, scowling.
no more peach yoplait.
today i ate 3 (THREE) carrots.
09.19.00 Dancing Outlaw II: Jesco Goes to Hollywood
"You know, I talked to Elvis last night and he said you were a-making millions a dollars off this movie and ripping me off and that you ought to be killed!"

Austin Chronicle article interviewing Jason Young, filmmaker responsible for "Jesco White: The Dancing Outlaw" and now "Dancing Outlaw II: Jesco Goes to Hollywood."

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christmas pants urban legend
is true.

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the rise and fall of wonder woman
from starlog magazine, 1979.

also, wonder woman fans in wonder woman attire. WARNING! INCLUDES DOGS DRESSED AS SUPERHEROS! dogs dressed as superheros. dogs dressed as superheros.

more wonderwoman-o-rama here.

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"Your message will be transmitted to one of the scientifically selected locations by means of pulsing photonic emission and radio frequency transmission (RF). The message transmission is guaranteed."

good service for beaming your email messages into space.

what actually might be more fun would be a website where you send a message and then some person out on the street shouts your message. it'd be best if everyone around thought that the person shouting was just crazy, and not at all related to some website.

[thanks uncle hollywood.]

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cool world clock globe thing.

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toy dolls (the band)
good fan site. the thing i thought was kind of funny was the history because the toy dolls, apparently, rarely go more than a month with the same drummer. and i liked that one member left because he didn't like the nickname the other band members gave him. another left to sell collectible plates.
big tough-looking bald guy all pissed off in Safeway
there was this big tough-looking bald guy with a moustache in safeway. and he was in the dairy aisle, looking at the yogurt and was all pissed off. he was angry because Safeway was out of his type of yogurt.

my new thing. oh, TWO new things
  1. totally NEW new thing. reading the California Department of Motor Vehicles handbook and highlighting important regulations and then memorizing them so I can be an annoying know-it-all. Then when other people are driving, I can rattle off rules that they are violating in a really irritating, chiding tone. Even better if I can memorize it so well that I can quote page numbers, like this:

    "You may make a U-turn in a residential district if no vehicle approaching you is closer than 200 feet. Page 25, paragraph 3."

    and I figure I can keep doing it, and i'll just get better and better at it until someone beats the crap out of me.

  2. drinking lots of carrot juice. (an extension of my old new thing, which was eating lots of carrots.)
09.15.00 MC Hawking
"Yo! This site is your ultimate resource for information about Stephen Hawking the gangsta rapper. While there are dozens of other sites on the web devoted to Stephen Hawking's scientific achievements, I am unaware of a single site (aside from this one) devoted to his career as a lyrical terrorist."

the whole site's good, but definitely visit the discography and don't miss the Hawkman's sound files.

[thanks Patrick. you maybe should click the word Patrick in that last sentence to see the "talking rolling pig."]
kind of weird wasteful semi-rude interaction i witnessed
woman comes into a coffee shop. sits down. orders a beer. the waitress brings her a beer in a glass.

"oh, it's on TAP?"

waitress: "no, bottle. i just poured it."

"oh, i really wanted a bottle."

waitress: "sorry. of course. no problem." she leaves and comes back with a bottle of beer.

woman: "and can you bring me a glass for this?"


because i need to pour it MYSELF?

because i like to make people waste beer?

because i have no power in my normal every day life, so i convince waitresses to perform nonsensical tasks to make myself feel important?

why? why? why? weird.

(oh, but whenever something like this happens, it gives me an opportunity to do this new irritating thing to annoy whomever i'm with. i shake my head and say, "americans." or alternately, "what is wrong with americans?" so annoying. somebody slap me.)