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pantsmail - 1:17 pm - Tuesday,January 2, 2001

 

date : 1:17 pm - Tuesday,January 2, 2001

from : mrp

subject : PANTSMAIL 011: PINK DIRTY COWBOY BABIES LOVE SPIDER MONKEY JOBS

message:
Dear Friends of Pantsmail,

Welcome to another Pantsmail--number 11 in the series. This one should be especially weird, as I've been up all night sewing and eating peanut butter.

The Pantsmail missives follow a pattern where their enjoyment level peaks every 7th or so and then valleys every 11th or thereabouts. So, stay tuned for #14 when they'll get really good again!

The contents:

1. I PROMOTE THE GRAND ROYAL ARTICLE ON PINK LADY
2. FATHEAD'S LETTER TO MR. DIRTY
3. A (THE?) COWBOY PARAGRAPH
4. OLD B/W CARD BABIES ARE WEIRD
5. BLANK BLANK MC BLANKLEBLANKY
6. PALINDROMES: SWEET, A TOT ATE EWS.
7. LOVE
8. SPIDER MONKEYS
9. JOB IDEA
10. A BONUS LINK
11. END

Also, happy belated holidays! We don't care anyway, do we, people like you and me? Holiday days are just like any other days -- units of measurement of the earth and its relationship to other nearby celestial bodies. We live our lives rooted in pure science.

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PINK LADY ARTICLE FOR GRAND ROYAL
---------------------------------

http://www.grandroyal.com/mag/2001/jan/pinklady/

I wrote this article for Grand Royal about Pink Lady, a Japanese pop group from the 1970s. I think you'll enjoy it.

I did a ton of research, including multiple trips to the library, calls to PR people at Rhino Home Video and a short, fruitless hunt for the home number of comedian Jeff Altman.

Then I wrote the piece.

And then Mary Chen, superstar editor, cleaned up my writing bigtime. So, as you read it, when you come to a good part, pretty much you can figure that Chen wrote it. Except for one--one of the good parts in there is mine, I think.

So, check it out. For sure. For sure. For sure. Okay?

It's good.

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LETTER TO A MR. DIRTY FROM FATHEAD
----------------------------------

Dear Mr. Dirty,

Thanks so much for taking the time to meet with me. I enjoyed our meeting, and it was really fun seeing pictures of your dog.

I'm excited about the prospect of working with you in the future and I look forward to hearing from you.

Also, I'm sorry I attacked you with that filthy broken Snapple bottle. Something in me just snapped.

Sincerely,
Fathead

PS. Isn't it amazing to think that in just 3 short weeks, I will be DOCTOR Fathead?

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COWBOY PARAGRAPH
----------------

A cowboy at heart, Mister Pants rides the open range width a Southwest twang. He loves to russle and rope and plans on using his skills to hog-tie you. Watch out when this broncin' buck gets riled, because he's been known to leave his mark on his foes with the MP brand.

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BABIES ON OLD CARDS
-------------------

I've been thinking a lot about those weird looking babies in those old black and white cards that you sometimes see in card stores. You know the one with the plate of spaghetti on its head? What's up with those babies? Where are they from? Why do they all look so weird--like really big mouths and lumpy-shaped heads and whatnot? Did babies just look weirder in the olden days?

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BLANK BLANK MC BLANKLEBLANKY
----------------------------

A long time ago, I started generating alternate names for those TGIF-type family restaurants with the comical quaint old timey names. Here are some of them:

AC McPicklewiggle
JJ McChuckleberry
RJR McBuggledumper
MC McShiggledinky
JC McWugglefuggy
BB McKickawugga
OK McKnucklewiggy
CC Mc Gurglebippy

I think I came up with better ones when I was doing it before. But I mostly just wanted to introduce the sport of generating them. It's something that you might think about doing in the shower or during a commute. The rhythm of the exercise is nice and meditative.

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3 PALINDROMES
-------------

I found a scrap of paper on which I had written some short palindromes. I'm including the palindromes here so that I can throw that scrap of paper away.

1. Mail is no tonsil. I am.
2. Niagra bargain.
3. Not a gem, a megaton.

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A FEW SENTENCES ABOUT LOVE AND ROMANCE
--------------------------------------

Oh hey, remember our schoolyard romance? Remember when we made out behind the monkeybars?

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A FEW SENTENCES ABOUT SPIDER MONKEYS
------------------------------------

A spider monkey would be good to have around, as just a little something to cuddle. Oh, they're mischievous--I'll give you that. They'll cause a heap of trouble. But when they stop shrieking and biting, and they settle down, you can just hug 'em and love 'em and there is nothing in the world that can erase that warm spider monkey love feeling.

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JOB IDEA
--------

You know what I was thinking would be a mean job if you wanted to punish some writer -- fashion reporter for the tech industry.

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A BONUS LINK
------------

I didn't include this link on misterpants/01 because I was saving it for you, sweetie.

http://www.fametracker.com/index.html?/fame_audit/ron_howard.asp&0

"What could be more appealingly pure than the beaming face of a golden-tressed white girl -- unless it's the beaming face of a golden-tressed white girl as she lisps a deceptively sophisticated wisecrack to the likes of Steve Guttenberg."

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FINALE
------

If anyone's looking for me, I'll be out on the back porch burning bags of hair.

Don't forget the Pink Lady article:
http://www.grandroyal.com/mag/2001/jan/pinklady/

And don't forget Grandpa:
http://www.misterpants.com/01

Regards,
-Itchy, Lumpy, and Malla