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pantsmail - 7:33 am - Wednesday,October 4, 2000

 

date : 7:33 am - Wednesday,October 4, 2000

from : mrp

subject : PANTSMAIL 002: Cooperative Driving, a public service announcement tirade.

message:
Hello Pantsmail People,

I'm sending my second message in as many days. This one is mostly about cooperative driving.

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WELCOME NEW MEMBERS [002.1]

Welcome persons who recently subscribed! I wanna say how many people are on the list now, but I'm stopping myself because no one likes a bigshot. And unlike a lot of mailing lists, I have no reason to puff myself up by feigning significance--I'm not trying to woo new investors. Or appease angry current investors.

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COOPERATIVE DRIVING [002.2]

You know how they teach defensive driving? Well, the thing that is probably more important than that is cooperative driving. We all have to cooperate on the road. If we don't, the whole thing doesn't work at all. I know this sounds cheesy, but it all boils down to: don't be a fucker, really. And that's pretty simple.

Seriously, if you're driving on the road and you're thinking to yourself that you're the only one on the road, probably you're wrong. And if you're thinking that you're the most important person on the road, then probably you're wrong about that too. Remember, don't be a fucker. I want a bumper sticker that reads:

DON'T BE A FUCKER.
PRACTICE COOPERATIVE DRIVING.

I swear, it is so awful driving around the Bay Area nowadays. First there are the huge yuppie gas-sucking SUVs just waiting to crush us all to death, but also it's like everyone is trying to "win." Know what? Even if you get home fast, like five minutes faster than normal or something, you don't win. That's right; you don't win nothin' chump. So, let's cooperate, okay?

Let's say I'm trying to merge into your lane and I'm about to hit the orange pylons if I'm not able to merge, well then, hey buddy, c'mon now, give a guy a break, whaddayasay? That's right. You don't LOSE by letting me merge. No, not at all. When we drive cooperatively and prevent accidents, WE ALL WIN.

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MESSAGE FROM MY CAT [002.3]

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My cat typed that. I left the message from my cat in this Pantsmail because I feel guilty because he was playing with a twisty tie (which he's allowed to do) and I thought that he was chewing on the phone cord (which he's not allowed to do) and so I said "no" to him and he stopped playing with the twisty tie. And then after I realized my error, no matter how much I tried, I couldn't get him to start playing with it again. And then he came over to the keyboard and stood on it so he could send that message to all of you about how mean I am.

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DRIVING TO LA [002.4]

I'm driving to LA tomorrow. If I see you on the road, please be a cooperative driver, thanks. I'm going to be doing my part--6 hours full on cooperation, you better believe it.

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DELICATE MANEUVER: DON'T OVERSTAY THE WELCOME [002.5]

I'm gonna try to see how long i can stay in LA before I'm the annoying houseguest who's overstayed his welcome. Like one of those games for kids, "Don't Break the Ice" or "Jenga" where you see how far you can push it before it breaks. "Don't Overstay the Welcome." The longer you can stay, the better. But once you cross that line, you lose.

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WRAP UP [002.6]

Do you like the addition of the decimals in the bracketed numbers (like [002.6]) in this one? It's an indexing system. It's handy because if you're in a meeting at work and everyone in attendance has a printout of Pantsmail in front of them, you can each refer to specific items by their index number.

Thanks for subscribing, and also for reading this far into it. I'm impressed.

Regards,
-mrp

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The phrase COOPERATIVE DRIVING™ is ©copyright Chisato [chisa.org] pretty much. I mean not legally, by any means, but she thought of it.