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Give me an idea of approximately how fancy I'm expected to be and I will make the utmost effort to meet or surpass that level of fanciness.
04.16.05   

google search: astronaut cyborg bigfoot alien robot
I was googling "astronaut cyborg bigfoot alien robot" as I do every Saturday and was surprised to see this very site show up as the #2 result.

And, as it turns out, the number one astronaut cyborg bigfoot alien robot site is the alt.sex.fetish.robots FAQ which actually contains an interesting list of robots on television and movies--from Metropolis to Heartbeeps to Superman III to Stepford Wives.

I noticed that Short Circuit is not listed. Apparently, no one is fantasizing about Johnny 5.

Oh, wait. Never mind.

Here are some questions asked and answered by the FAQ. The obvious: Q-You mean you want to have sex with robots? Why?

and the less obvious:

Q-What about scenes where people are frozen, paralyzed, or become statues? How about mannequins? Are they appropriate here too?

A-Of course...


This question was not addressed in the FAQ:

Q - What about having sex with one of those robot dogs? Would that be considered beastiality?

So if you need to know that information, go elsewhere. Try your local library or Radio Shack.

The FAQ author goes on to explain how the monotone TV robot voice can be sexy, and then fantasizes about Shields and Yarnell starring in mime-robot pornography.

Maybe I should try to keep writing about mime-robot pornography until I get some mime-robot pornography google ads.

All this robot sex talk is probably going to make the google robot think that I am flirting with it.

And so what if I am. Is that so bad? It's not like I'd expect a better search ranking or anything if we hooked up. Although, if we started going out, that would be kind of weird if my search ranking didn't change just a little. You know? Like, maybe it's some sort of overcompensating reverse-favoritism.

And that would just make me wonder about the google robot's commitment to our relationship. Nothing's really wrong but this is sort of typical. Why can't it communicate better? Just tell me what you're thinking, google robot--it would make our lives so much easier!

I guess we just need to spend a little time away from each other--not breaking up, just a break.

By the way, here's a Wikipedia entry similar to the alt.sex.robots.fetish list: fictional robots and androids. This is just a list of robots--not necessarily a list of robots to have sex with. That is to say: the people who made this wikipedia entry may or may not want to have sex with these robots.


 
04.14.05   

Thomas Wilfred and His Clavilux
Here's an early twentieth century machine for playing metamorphing streams of light as one would play music on a record player.

In a parallel universe where television was never invented, people sit around after dinner and watch the Clavilux; in fact, the average American watches about 4 hours of Clavilux per day. They have to watch at least that much because it's the law, as decreed by the president. And in this parallel universe, the president of the United States is Bill Cosby. Well, not president, exactly, more like fascist totalitarian ruler.

It's a strange universe; aside from the Clavilux, it's not recommended.
look who's here!
I finally did it! The bigfoot ads have arrived. I don't know what took them so long, but wow, I was really excited to see them. Sometimes you work really hard at something and when you're just about to give up, when you finally think there's no hope... success wanders by, big hairy success.

It's inspirational, the story of the bigfoot google ads on misterpants dot com. I have to remember to tell it to Tony Robbins when he comes over to watch Desperate Housewives.

The ads sometimes rotate out, in favor of rash medicine, ghost data, and UFO services, but then they come back. Some of the bigfoot ads are for bigfoot-related media. Others are for products or services that just happen to have bigfoot in their name. And there's one I've seen for a bigfoot costume.

This is a fairly wide range of information that relates to the actual bigfoot in very different ways. Sometimes we study him. Sometimes we name our business or product after him. And sometimes we pretend to be him.

It's all good.

I do feel a little bit of pressure now to not write about things I don't want to see ads for. Like last week's entry about podcasting. I'm not sure if google ads are smart enough to know the difference between "podcasting rules!" and "Podcasting is a loathsome term." Anyway, now I've gone and tempted fate by using the much-reviled word three more times in this paragraph.

Well, not fate really. Rather, I've tempted the detached, calculating google robot, which is quite a different thing from fate altogether, isn't it? Or maybe fate is mechanized and methodical as well. I guess I don't necessarily know fate's character. I suppose it's quite fickle--sometimes surprisingly generous while at other times cruel and dismissive.

Ah, fate, the Google ads make me ponder your nature. more, better bigfoot
Hey, do you know the two-part episode of the 6 Million Dollar Man where he battles Bigfoot?

You should know it because Bigfoot versus The Bionic Man was arguably* the greatest televised moment of the entire 1970s. (* For instance, if you told Evel Knievel this, he would argue with you.)

In the 1950s, American television gave us Edward R. Murrow dramatically taking down Joseph McCarthy and putting the brakes on The Red Scare.

In the 60s TV gave us the Apollo Moon Landing. Very exciting.

But only 7 short years later, another astronaut (and cyborg), Colonel Steve Austin, would demonstrate a more terrestrial bravery by doing battle with bigfoot.

As a hipster bonus, Bigfoot was played by Andre the Giant.

I donít want to spoil it for those who havenít seen it, but the secret truth about that specific Bigfoot is going to absolutely blow your mind.
 
04.06.05   

bigfoot lincoln
I know what you're thinking. And what you're thinking is awesome. But this is not that. This is awesome too. But it's a different thing, awesome in a different way.

[Thanks, Jessica.]
new awful buzzword watch: podcasting
It's taken five years, but finally a neologism has come along to edge "blog" out of its long-standing position in my brain as #1 most hated word. I find both terms to be smug, nerdy, and disharmonious.

It's my issue. I know.

P.S. Did you notice how this site had a flurry of posts a little while ago then a sudden, prolonged inactivity? I know it happens a lot--well, not the flurry part, but the inactivity. Do you mind if I tell you about why it happened this time?

Okay. Here's what happened: this is true; I was on penicillin and then I suddenly became allergic to it. And my own skin turned against me.

My skin got mad at the penicillin and took it out on me. It was just hating me. And it (my skin) decided it also hated even the tiniest amount of warmth, but that it loved being itchy and red.

So that happened and it was unpleasant, but then, after an accidental antihistamine overdose and some sleepless nights and some confusion and some other dramatic things, I'm all better now.

The End.

P.P.S. By the way, I do have more to say about bigfoot even though I'm not saying it right this second.

Also, I would like to point out that my attempt to coax the google ads into addressing the needs of the bigfoot product buying public continues to not work at all.

Although the google ads have not been amenable to my suggestions, I've found them to be very enjoyable--much more so than I ever would have expected. Thanks to the google ads, I now know way more about alien abduction. For example, did you know that aliens are our space brothers?